TIme away

In an effort to bring in a bit more monthly income, while still staying at home full time, I got a part time job. I teach SAT prep classes and occasionally proctor practice tests. It's a great job. I make pretty good money to work about 6 hours a week and refresh my memory on all those annoying grammar rules and math equations that will come in handy when the boys get into junior high. I have four high school juniors in my class and I'm finding that I feel very emotionally connected to them--I would say maternal but that seems not quite it--I want them to do well and find the right school and enjoy their high school experience as much as I did. It's more a commeraderie with a not too distant past self. They are also really great kids who interact with me in class and ask questions when they have no idea what the crap I'm talking about, which I think I never had the self confidence to do, make myself vulnerable in front of a group of peers. So anyway, I like my job for its own value. But I also thrill in the time away from the house, away from the boys and from picking up toys and crumbs. I just stand in front of a class and talk and while I'm doing it, I have makeup on and clothes free of drool and pockets without trucks in them. It is exhilerating.

I know this is not a new feeling to a stay at home mom- enjoying time to herself or separate from the job that primarily defines her. But it inevitably makes me wonder if I should be the one working full time, because I enjoy it so much. It's not that I don't have moments where I thrill in being at home with the boys-I do. I took a nap yesterday afternoon and then walked to the park and painted a picture with the oldest for grammie for mother's day. It's a good life. But James says he can tell when I have a lot of projects on the burners, that I am content and energetic when I am sewing a number of things at once or refinishing big pieces of furniture. Which of course makes me wonder if I am the best one for the stay at home job. I care for my boys well and I think they get stimulation and culture and all the things they should. But I have a tendency to look forward to their naps when I can get something done, or get unnaturally excited to go teach my class. So maybe in terms of contentment, James really is the one for the job--the home job that is. We already know that he functions from home better than I ever have. He plans trips and meets friends and picks up the house in one fluid parental action. He is a multi-tasker. I am not. I either clean the kitchen or I play with the boys or I check e-mail. It does not look seamless. And I feel a sense of failure at the end of the day if I have not accomplished enough. James has no such demons.

So I should work and James should stay home. Settled.

But I don't know what I want to do, or how to make enough money to support us or how the hell I'm supposed to find a job with little occupational skills in a really shitty economy. And James has a great job with a manager who really understands him and with good insurance and a 401K. Not settled.

Any ideas?